Thursday, October 30, 2014


August and September have been torn off of the 2014 calendar, and October is hanging by a thread. November is coming nearer by the minute, and so is the month of decorated trees and gift wrapped items. It's been almost 3 months since I last woke up in my double sized bed, ate breakfast with fine cutlery, went to school with Mirage, went home with Adventure, looked up at the sky to see hundreds of stars, ate dinner with the people I love, and go back to sleep beside my 7 pillows. Though I understand how big of an impact all of these changes will make to mold my future into a fine one, I still cannot grasp all the facts and tuck them in my heart. I cannot stop myself from complaining every other minute about something I despise, I always catch myself ranting on and on about all the things I'm adjusting to inside my head and I, more often than not, keep looking back at the things that used to be. I know very well how wrong my actions are yet I always just let my emotions be.

After 2 full moons I didn't even notice, 11 weeks of packing and unpacking, about 77 days of the new routine, I'm still trying to get the hang of being 1/8 independent. Now that I'm outside the four walls, so sturdy that it could possibly protect me from a zombie apocalypse, of Palawan, my eyes have become more sensitive to sights I don't usually see in my hometown. Moms sleeping on cardboard boxes while squeezing their children in their arms, kids with huge sacks of garbage to sell, families making fire on the sidewalk to cook rice, children clinging on the entrance of jeepneys singing for spare change and so on. I know these sights are common to most people, but to me, they're not as common as they seem to be. It brings so much pain in my heart to see such things, it makes me cry inside. Though I really want to help, all my ideas just don't seem to be right or sufficient. It gives me a more uncomfortable feeling that I wasn't able to help at the end of the day.

Now, looking back at how much complaining I've been doing for the past 3 months, I felt really ashamed of myself. Though the only way I could stop this was to cut out my tongue, I still feel bad about my attitude towards the situation. I can't believe I keep complaining about how hot it is at noon while other people couldn't even find shade, or I keep thinking that the food I bought isn't sufficient for my current appetite while others couldn't even fill their stomachs for the day. For a moment, I feel bad about myself for not being contented. But then again, I'm only human. And though I try to correct my mistakes, sometimes, I'll just realize I did it again. Though, being human shouldn't be an excuse to keep on complaining, so again, I'm really trying so hard to fix myself.

I wish to stop my endless babbles of my "misfortunes", constant ranting, repeatedly stating all the bad things I see in the most pessimistic way possible, and inside me my brain fights with the good and bad voices in the head, and so on. I hope to become a better person in the long run of adjusting and fact grasping. I would love to become a person who sees the good in every bad thing, and manages to smile even when she banged her pinky toe on a table leg. I want to be able to look past all of these things that I miss and have a clearer vision of what I want to get at the end of the tunnel. I'd like to be someone who would never cease to thank the Lord for having 'downs' in her life because she understands that they're lessons. I dream to be a better person soon.

For now, I'll just stop my tongue from saying the most inappropriate rants the mind could ever think of at the moment and grasp all the facts at the same time. One or maybe two baby steps at a time they say. Hopefully, when I stop the ranting, I'll be able to look past all the inconvenience I experienced and just be thankful for what I have and that I do have something. After that, maybe I could do some bigger steps and help others because I've already learned to help myself. Forgive me for going on and on about what I could do in the future. But, hey! At least I have a vision. 

To the people who know me too well, I may sound like a complete lunatic to ever think that I could shut my ever complaining mouth, I promise to try. 

Forgive me for a very long and cluttered post. This belongs to thoughts at 2 am, though I didn't write it at 2 am.

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